Tending Scattered Wool

The previous post looked at the dynamic of leadership within organizational systems and how values play a role in that.

In this second part on what drives us to be task focused over people focused, we will reflect upon emotional maturity.

Part 2: Emotional Immaturity

Emotional immaturity is another cause of making task more important than people. 

We all think we are emotionally mature. 

Emotional maturity has to do with not only self-awareness but also being aware of other’s emotions, and how impact is playing out in a room. A tendency is to be so self-focused in any given situation that one is unaware of the impact one is having on others. This is an essential growth area.

Peter Scazzero and his wife have developed many useful tools and resources in this arena. If you have not read and slowly pondered each chapter of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, then put that at the top of your read list. This is essential reading.

Impact Audit

Here is a practice that will draw on your courage reserves: Ask any one you have regular contact with – friends, spouse, workmates, etc.  the following question- “What it is like to relate to me?” 

They will balk, likely sugar coat and avoid. Be persistent. Tell them you really want to know. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, receive it. Ask clarifying questions but otherwise you are only allowed to say “thank you.”  Do not be defensive or explain your actions for that will immediately erode trust. Simply receive what they say – it is simply how they experience you, as subjective as that may be.  It takes courage to be honest. Thank them. 

Be forewarned that if you are deemed by others to be a defensive or otherwise unsafe person, you may get very little concrete feedback. If it is all positive, no hard stuff to hear, then you likely are not hearing the whole story.

Making the Change (i.e Repent)

As a person who has influence over others, it is a big shift to replace efficiency with relationship and emotional awareness. 

So for example, that might mean that the agenda for a meeting is totally sidetracked because one of the team members is deeply struggling. The person takes precedent over the task at hand. Of course there is a balance here, that one person can’t sidetrack the entire forward movement. Yet, the people in the room hold higher value than the task at hand.

When teams make this shift, they are on their way to valuing people. What one will eventually have is an organizational culture that fosters health, healing, people development, ongoing maturation, and skill development. These matured ones will eagerly lay their lives down for others. The mission will get done.

 It is a beautiful thing when it all comes to life.

Again, I welcome your comments on this topic.

In the 30 years that I have been involved in the care of those who live and work cross-culturally, over-arching themes begin to surface. One of those themes is that the vast majority of hurts come from one’s own organization and leadership. As I ask other colleagues about this observation, they quickly concur.

There is much behind what causes such hurts. I’d like to address two: emotional maturity and values. I will treat this in two parts beginning with the issue of values.

Part 1: Being a Value-Driven Person

Values are what direct our behaviors. It is our actions that actually reveal our true values.

For example, we may say we value being physically healthy. But if we eat unhealthy foods, don’t exercise and have poor sleep habits, then no matter what we say we value, our actions indicate otherwise.

Churches and para-church organizations exist for the care and development of people. Whether it is discipleship, church planting, medical work, education – whatever the missional focus is – it is always about the care and development of people.

So how can be it be that organizations that exist for the development of people tend to hurt their own people?

This is fundamentally a leadership issue. This is a leader issue both at a systems level and at a personal conduct level.

Pause: Before I proceed, let me relieve all of us of the temptation of thinking about “the other guy.” There is only one person we have responsibility for and it is ourselves, so please proceed with a self-evaluatory posture.

Org Systems

At the level of systems, leaders establish organization ethos and culture. They don’t just name the values, they ensure the values permeate the organization’s behaviors. If an organization values people over task fulfillment, then that will be reflected in everything that is done – decisions, policy, procedure, communications, and so on.

Ultimately the speed at which tasks are completed is where this meets the rub. People care and people development is slow work. If people are a value, then everything is slowed down.

This can drives leaders nuts! “Everything takes so long to get done…..!” True. And a worthy investment. Leaders who ignore this with impatience show forth that their value is efficiency not people. SHEPHERD LEADERSHIP IS NOT EFFICIENT.

Systems Audit

Consider the system(s) you are part of. Is it rushed? Slowed? Deliberate? Haphazard? Do people feel seen, known and heard or used, overlooked, and exhausted? Ask others what they experience.

Personal Conduct Within Systems

At a personal conduct level, leaders set the pace on all these matters stated above. It is not just a matter of what is being done but how it is done. I feel that one of my primary offerings in organizational leadership is how my own life and ministry is modeled for others. These are value-based concerns.

If a leader desires a certain ethos in the organization or team, then it is on them to live it first and last. We have all been in enough unhealthy environs to smell one quickly. Leaders who talk a talk but do not walk it are fairly obvious to pick out.

So what are your personal leader values? Patrick Lencioni distinguishes between stated values, inspirational values, and non-intentional values. It’s important that you name them all, for they all exist in our lives and organizations.

Values Audit

Write out what you deem are your personal values. Be specific. Don’t tolerate ambiguity. And then watch yourself over the coming weeks. Do you actually live those values? Understand that values will change over time. That is natural. But we want to be clear on who God has called and shaped us to be and live within those realities. Those are our values.

Importance of Reflection

Reflecting on these larger issues are important for they force us to slow down and be more intentional in how we want influence others in the name of Jesus. May his Spirit bring clarity and an expansive imagination for leading others in a way that is for their ongoing benefit and growth.

The next post will look at the dynamic of personal emotional maturity.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear your reflections on this, or any topic.