Tending Scattered Wool

(This is one of a five part series on responding to thematic issues affecting member care providers and cross-cultural worker’s health and effectiveness. You can read the intro.)

My False Identity Revealed to Me
A little over 10 years ago I was recovering from a nasty bout of hemorrhagic dengue fever. Up until then my medical history was, in a word, boring. That all changed with this tropical fever. Even months later, I was recovering very slowly . Eventually, I had to make the hard call of canceling a commitment that I really, really wanted to fulfill.  After I finally made myself make the call, I literally fell to my knees and out from my mouth blurted the words, “Lord, I don’t even know who I am anymore!”

Every now and then something comes out of mouth that stops me in my tracks. In those moments I know I’ve just been given a glimpse into my inner reality. Jesus said that what comes out of our mouths reveals our hearts (see Matthew chapters 12 and 15). My heart had just been revealed to me by my own mouth.

With ministry roles stripped away, I was wrestling with my identity. This was a legit identity crisis. For my identity was misplaced and God was kindly, if not tumultuously, revealing that to me.

Common Ground
Morris Dirks writes, “Often, the at-risk nature of ministry is increased by the leader’s failure to develop a strong sense of self in his or her early years. I have observed that a particularly high number of people who enter the ministry remain oblivious to unresolved issues surrounding their identity— issues that frequently are connected to their family of origin….One of the ways our false self tries to compensate is to find our identity in performance. Hence, the motives driving the ministry are tainted…..”*

God has created each of us with an innate need to have an identity. However, in our brokenness we seek our identity in many wrong places.

“One of the ways our false self tries to compensate is to find our identity in performance.” We all do this. How aware are you of your performance-based compensations?

Jesus Knew the Source of His Identity
God addressed identity with Jesus at various times in his earthly life such as at his baptism and his transfiguration on the mountain. The Father’s voice would thunder declaring that Jesus is his “beloved Son with whom he is well pleased.” It is interesting that Jesus doesn’t flinch at these words. He knows them well. He knows he is the beloved Son of the Father. He did not scramble for a sense of identity and thus he was free to offer his life to others.

Do you know that you are a beloved son or daughter of the Father?

This is Mission Critical
To the degree our identity is misplaced is to the degree we will hurt others relationally even as we go about missional work. This begins with our relationship with God and oozes in every direction.

Our unhealthy ways of relating can be overt or exceptionally subtle. What’s more, they are likely a blind spot. For those of us in the care giving vocation, we are on dangerous ground. If we need to be needed and are blind to that, then the very care we offer to others is ultimately for our own end. That is manipulative. It is also, sadly, exceptionally common.

Identity Healing
It behooves all of us to lean into God regarding this area of our redemption. A lack of maturity is undermining our ability to love and serve others.

What are some indicators  we are growing in our identity?

• Others’ opinions have less importance to us.
• We learn to seek affirmation, approval or value from what we do less and less.
• We do not turn conversations onto ourselves, rather focus on others.
• When appropriate, we can say no to another’s request without creating waves of internal distress within us.
• We willingly live within our own limitations and capacities.
• Fear is decreasingly a driving force within.
• We increasingly become comfortable in our own skin.
• Our resistance to God’s and others’ love lessens. We drop our guard and receive.

God is constantly offering healing and orientation in this area of our lives.

How do you deflect or otherwise block God’s love and affirmation?

How is God seeking to heal unhealthy identity sources in your life?

If it is true that we all have blind spots in our emotional world, who do you rely upon for objective counsel?

As always, any comments are helpful for all reading. If you find this helpful, please feel free to forward it to others. Thank you!

*Dirks, Morris in Forming The Leader’s Soul: An Invitation To Spiritual Direction

(This is one of a five part series on responding to thematic issues affecting member care providers and cross-cultural worker’s health and effectiveness. You can read the intro.)

Can You Relate?
A couple was conveying their deep sense of being stuck in their career due, in part, to not knowing how to navigate an under-current of “not being on the same page” with their present supervisor. This had been going on for over 10 years. A decade of frustrating disconnect which had resulted in aspects of being misfit in their responsibilities, feeling under-appreciated for their efforts, and generally losing trust with current leadership. The level of discouragement was immense.  One could understand why.  And, I am sure if I was sitting down with that leader in question he or she would convey their own version of heartache as well. How do we get so stuck relationally?

WARNING LABEL: I am going to be direct on this subject, for it is killing us….

Though I should know better, I am still stunned at the level of unresolved conflict out there. I am perpetually taken aback at the amount of triangulation, talking poorly of others absent from the room, and general immature ways we relate when we are not seeing eye-to-eye.

Frankly, when it comes to interpersonal conflict, we are way too emotionally immature.

We are Nice but not Loving
I think it is pastor and author John Ortberg who wrote that “we nice each other to death” in the church and our mission organizations.

When I am with a group of people talking about the topic of stress – of which interpersonal conflict is a major cause – I will bring up the dynamic of passive-aggressive ways we relate. We send out non-verbal messages; we talk about others; everyone in the room knows we are unhappy about something, but the truth is hardly ever openly addressed. We are masters of passive-aggressiveness. This ranges someplace between a stunning blindspot to outright deliberate unwillingness to being loving toward others.

When asked why, common responses I hear are, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” or, “I don’t want them to feel bad” or, “I hate conflict.”

We’ve convinced ourselves we are being nice but in reality we are profoundly self-preserving.

In the end, conflict avoidance simply comes down to self-preservation. It scares us. So we harm others with the way we passively relate rather than have the courage to lean into the other person in a direct, tactful, timely, and loving manner to share our hearts.

When I willingly put myself in potential harm’s way (like being uncomfortable with a conversation), then I am beginning to love the other. Yes, this might backfire, but I am willing to do what is right regardless of personal cost. 

I sense that the majority of us would simply be flummoxed in even knowing how to begin such a conversation. There is so little healthy modeling of this it has become a foreign manner of relating.

Throwing Stones is Easy
It is easy to identify the problem. Offering a solution is much harder. So, what is the way forward in emotional and relational maturity? How does one become an emotional adult in the area of relational conflict?

First, if anything you’ve read here rings true in your own heart, the place to begin is simple, raw, unedited confession and repentance. Talk to God first.

Then, begin to ask God to show you all of your fear and poor, life-long habits of relating when it comes to conflict.

There is Beauty Amidst all those Prickles

Scary stuff, I know.

Someplace in here, maybe with the help of counsel, we may have to go to those we have held ill-will towards, confess that, and ask for forgiveness. This can be super scary. It is the key step toward taking responsibility for our own actions.

There are times when trust has broken down so much that the need for a third party mediator is required. Pursuing this is wise and courageous, though never easy.

Beyond that, we can take other practical growth steps.

If you know someone who does conflict well, ask them to teach you.

There are some great trainings out there, like SYIS.

Peter Scazzero has some wonderful resources published. I strongly recommend anyone with a pulse to read his Emotionally Healthy Spirituality book.  You can take a free online  emotional health assessment here.  You can also print a hard copy of this assessment and take it as a team. If you are honest in the assessment, it can be a bit sobering how many areas of one’s life fall in the emotional adolescent category. This assessment can provide some concrete areas to lean into in your path of maturation. Take special note of Scazzero’s description of an emotional adult on the final page of the assessment. I’d change a few words here and there but it is one of the best measuring bars I have seen in print. Pray over each descriptor. How will you grow in each?

We all need places to process when we feel stuck in relationships. Debriefers, counselors, spiritual directors and other advisors can help us to begin to get “unstuck” relationally.

Bottom Line: I am responsible for myself in all my relationships.

The infected wounds of unresolved conflict is literally undermining the work of the gospel in the very places where people are desperate to witness the reality of the living, forgiving Lord through his people. For the sake of the gospel, your own soul, and others whom God loves too, I pray you lean into all those mucky relationships you have in your journey.

Does anyone have other helpful resources in this category?

(Thanks for grace as I speak frankly on the subject. If I have offended anyone, please let me know so I can apologize!)

A couple of years ago I posted five entries on five themes I saw consistently amongst global workers that cause or lead to ill health and ineffectiveness. Some of these entries are the most read on this sight. Below is the list of the five topics, the first two being the most repeatedly viewed:

1. Spiritual Anemia
2. Total Exhaustion
3. Relationships in Crisis
4. Identity attached to Role and Responsibility
5. Lack of Permission for Personal Development and Care

Based on the first two being the most viewed, we may be a spiritually thin, tired bunch.

I am going to revisit these themes with some reflections and resources on what I have learned and observed over the past couple of years.

The Interesting Observation of these Same Themes Amongst Member Care Providers
I have increasingly been investing more time in training, coaching, mentoring, and advising other member care providers. What I have quickly observed is that these five themes are just as recognizable in member care workers as they are in  grass-roots, front-line worker, or even organizational leadership.

This fact speaks loudly to two realities.

First, this work we do as caregiver,  cross-cultural workers, and leaders is demanding, costly, complex work. We cannot expect to lean into this work and not experience hurts and adversities of various kinds. Suffering is to be expected.

I was recently with a group of workers, largely member care providers, in a Southern European city. There was discussion around the difference in one being tired in one’s work and one being chronically weary. If I give my life to others, I will tire. If I do so in a manner that leaves me chronically thin spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes even physically, then some elements of my life may be out of sync.

This latter dynamics speaks to the second reality which is that of the compulsive, frenetic work ethic in the Evangelical ministry world. Whether I speak to pastors, global workers, executive leaders, member care providers, clinicians, teachers, whomever, I consistently see many of these five themes in their lives. Why is this?  Are we helpless to the strong pull of needs without any hope of living a deeper life? Conflict may be unavoidable, but must it lead to relational disintegration? Must it be that our work loads are so intense, so demanding that there is literally little to no room for one’s own health and growth?

Is There Another Way to Live Well?
The Canadian novelist Michael  O’Brien writes that our lives as Christ-followers can be “icons, a message of contradiction and consolation” to the world. Tish Warren writes that
we are not to merely be “alternative consumers.” If we live the same pace, the same lifestyle, and consume life just like the rest of the world (just more moral stuff, of course), are we really any different than the world system?

Over the coming weeks, we will lean into these five themes again and wrestle with the paradox of living well in Christ as we lay our lives down in a volatile, needy world.

A Little Help, Please?
Would you mind doing me a favor? Please pass on this sight to two or three other colleagues or friends. It would be encouraging to me to see an uptick in the readership – that is if you think it worth other’s time. If not, I’d benefit from constructive feedback to make this a more helpful resource to all. Thanks all around!

Pax e Bonum in 2017

Scott

Annually I write up a brief review of books I have read. Attached is this year’s version. I have also included a “top-five” of the most influential titles in my life from recent years.

I would love to hear from you any titles you enjoyed of late. Thank you!

Peace to you this New Year.

Scott

scott-e-shaum-2016-reads-list